On Loneliness

The past month has been a time of reflection, thinking, and stillness.  All things that push me past my comfort zone, and into a bit of a funk.  March was full of change and excitement for me.  We closed on our first house, I turned 33, and Morrison and I went on a long awaited trip to Barbados for a healthy dose of sun and sand.  The constant change and buzz had me on the happiness high that I get when things are in motion.

Then April arrived and it was met with a big empty house and NYC apartment for just Morrison and I to fill during the week, and no sign of another vacation until August.  The people in our life buzz on in a constant frenzy.  The one I so desperately wanted to break free from when I worked full time.  Setting alarms, meeting deadlines, and collapsing in exhaustion each day.  It left me to ask myself some hard questions.  Is it the grind that I miss, or do I just wish my loved ones were more free to spend time?  Do I schedule play dates to fill our days, or do I just make our own happy little schedule?  Why do I feel guilty for not bringing in a paycheck, when I am performing the hardest work I have ever known?

Unfortunately I have let society affect my feelings in some ways.  We value the hustle, making money, working until the point of exhaustion.  I am surrounded by inspiring women and mom bosses who "do it all' and I'm left wondering why I can't do the same.  In the end it comes down to re-evaluating my worth internally, and letting go of the comparison.  For me raising my son is a commitment that leaves little room for much else these days, and that is okay.  Soon he will need me less, and I know I will long for the days where laying down while he naps and nurses is the only option.  My little business will become bigger then, and my daily routine will take a different shape.  The truth is that all moms have a different calling...mine is to devote 99% of my time to Morrison right now, and that is okay.  People often ask what I do, and when I tell them I take care of my son full time they often look at me with disdain.  When I mention I have a small business their relief is palpable.  Oh thank God, I can continue this conversation about something I can relate to!  The reality is I let these comments and looks seep too deeply into my head.  What I really needed to find in the last month was my own validation.  An acceptance of myself and my choices, and to know I am not alone.