Surrendering

I listened to an episode of Garance Doré’s podcast Pardon My French where she interviewed Dr. Habib Sadeghi, as I sat in the waiting room for my last doctor’s appt before I gave birth to Marin.  The entire conversation was pretty mind blowing as is his book Within, but he talked about one concept that made me think for days. 

The concept was surrender.  He talks about having an event in your life that makes you step back, release control, and allow a higher power to take over.  To know that your inner guide won’t lead you astray.  For him that was being diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 26 (spoiler alert: he is still alive and well.)   It prompted me to contemplate my life, and if I have had this moment.  Almost immediately it dawned on me that becoming a mother was when I surrendered to a higher power.  

After having Morrison I tried to keep up with my previous life while adjusting to having a baby.  I felt pressure to go back to work, keep up my grind, meal prep and continue to make healthy dinners, and take care of my new baby.  Inside my mental state was chaos, and in my heart I knew I had to make a change.  It had crossed my mind that I may want to stay home with my son, but I hadn’t taken it seriously.  I was career driven, how would that change so drastically?  It started weighing on my heart.  I knew that leaving my job would be stressful, but the pull toward doing that became so strong that I couldn’t ignore it.  My gut knew that this was what I wanted in my life, but it took a year for me to let go of my ego’s voice to do it all and take the leap. 

I spent the next couple of years trying desperately to get my juice business going, then came the news that I was unexpectedly pregnant again.  I knew I couldn’t run my business and care for two babes.  This was my final call from the universe to surrender.  I needed to truly overcome my fear to not have a traditional career or business and embrace being a mom.  To accept that I enjoy taking care of my home, being with my kids, cooking dinner for my family...and that the opportunity to do this was available to me!   The only thing holding me back from doing this was me.  My fear of inadequacy, and my ego’s voice telling me that I was worthless if I wasn’t making money.  

I am so happy that I let all of that go because I am so much more content and at peace.  This comes through with an increased amount of patience with Morrison, so much more enjoyment having a beautiful newborn baby, less petty arguing with my husband, and taking time and space for myself without guilt. Since surrendering I feel so totally blessed with my life.  I know that I am living an authentic life, one that I have created solely based on what my inner guide has told me.  

The future is unknown, and this season of life will pass.  New events and guidance will lead me to other callings, but I have never been more mindful and present than now.  Listening to my heart and surrendering to it has lead me here, and as long as I continue to trust, I know I will be presented with exactly what I need.